Awake in the Middle of the Night

It is now close to 3am. I am a night person, that’s undeniable. I have always been a bit of a vampire – I’m wide awake when the sun goes down. However, tonight – I should have been in bed hours ago. Tomorrow is a big day with photoshoots, putting brand new dresses up on Danger Dame, meeting three sets of friends, and going to see Burke host at Original Cyn. But yet here I am. Alone with candles burning in my red room, covered in stars, talking to you.
And you’re up, too. So at least we’ll keep each other company.
Let me tell you why I’m awake. Because I finally went on myspace tonight and went through tons of emails since the MTV Made episode I was on aired. I have tons more emails to catch up on….but I had to take a break and say….thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
There was notes from you guys all over the world saying you loved the episode and it made you cry and you wanted to reach out. I am feeling so overwhelmed (in a really beautiful way) by the tremendous outpouring of love from all of you. I don’t know what to say – except that I appreciate it. I appreciate hearing from all of you and I’m answering every email if it takes me to next month. Right now – I am just soaring on all your sweet words.
I read your letters and I know. I know exactly what you mean. Doing Made was one of the best things in the world. Why? Because Andrea is the real deal, my friends. Andrea, the 17-year-old amazing girl I coached, touched on some serious issues for me. You see, I didn’t have many friends in high school at all. I was an outsider and I always wished I could just be accepted for who I was.
….And here comes this opportunity to coach this girl who has always felt like an outsider, who’s got more fight than anyone I’ve ever met, who just wants people to see the real her. Sound familiar?
And it does sound familiar – because there are millions of you out there. Millions of you like us. I know that. I’m reading that in your letters. I completely understand you. I’ve been there.
The moment I met Andrea – I saw the beauty in her as a person. She absolutely trusted me with her stories and I was able to meet the real her. I told her right away that I didn’t want to change her into something she wasn’t. It was so important to me that she just blossomed into the best her that she could possibly be. And if you saw the show, you know how amazing she is.
Why? I will admit, and I am embarrassed to admit this to you guys – but fuck it, let’s say the truth shall we…? There was a period in my life when I left high school that I felt like I was living a life that other people wanted me to live. When I say other people, I don’t even mean other people I loved, I mean other people like “the industry” or “society’s ” ideas of what I should be. When I stopped pretending to be someone else, and became myself – everything in my life fell into place.
If I could just do this show, and save this amazing girl all that frustrating time of putting on masks for others – and realize that following her heart and shining her own unique light is the best thing in the world she could do…. that was all I wanted.
And she did it. She fought and she did it. She didn’t need anyone to give her her crown. She gave it to herself.
Andrea wrote me the most beautiful letter I have ever received on Thanksgiving this year…in it she said at one point that I didn’t come down there to make her popular, or make her a homecoming queen….I came down there to make her love herself. And that’s the truth, my friends. I don’t know a damn thing about being popular or about being homecoming queen! But I do know that I believe in the beauty of dreams and in having the courage to open your heart and show the world the real you that lies inside.
Andrea, you were one of my greatest teachers. Thank you for having the courage to be yourself. Like I said to you in my letter – I am so happy to know – no matter how far apart we are, that you are out there in the world, Little Sister….kicking ass and being you.
And to all of you who wrote such beautiful letters to me, who told me your stories….thank you for sharing with me. It’s an honor to listen. It’s amazing how we all go through similar things. And here I am….sitting alone at 3am….feeling connected to all of you out there. And no matter what you are doing – and no matter if our paths ever cross or not….I hope that you are enjoying every day…and enjoying this beautiful night, and having the best life you can possibly imagine.
nightnight.
ebay pictures