I woke up this morning and put on a black lace bra that a girl threw at me on stage. I put on a tiara that a girl gave me on tour. I needed them today. I could tell. Little medals to keep me moving. Things that symbolize the good days, the good things.
When I was doing Danger Dame Questions of the day – people would ask me – “Don’t you ever get depressed?”
Of course. Yes.
I just don’t write about it. I try to ignore it so it will go away.
I do things like pass by a 99 cent store in Brooklyn and impulsively buy this:
I walk home hugging it like a crazy person. I see it in my bedroom later and think to myself…Did I buy that? Oh my god. I did.
I was trying to come up with a pretty name for it. But it then became known as “Nervous Breakdown Pony” which was shorted by my roommate Kim to “Breakdown Pony”. Which I decide will be the name of my imaginary band. Which is on par with my other imaginary band name Grandma Blanket Chihuahua which in my depression I found hilarious. It was inspired by this thing cuddled in a patchwork blanket:
I spent the morning trying to fight the sinking feeling. I used my best tricks. I put on extra big eyelashes. I treated myself to an iced latte. I spent an hour in Rite Aid aimlessly walking down the cosmetics aisle until I bought myself some cheap blush that will probably look ridiculous on me. But I’ll still wear it. Until someone comes up to me and is like… “um, so…about that blush….can we talk for a second? Really, girl? Really?”
Fuck. So…I’m missing you guys. I was looking forward to seeing you on tour more than you know. I’m bummed. And a little frozen at the moment.
I need to push myself to do something brave. Something crazy. Reach a new goal…
There are many beautiful things waiting for all of us. I have to remind myself….it’s so easy – it’s there, we just have to reach out and grab it.
Then Kim showed me this video that she shot of her song in our little “cuddle dome” – it’s a little cubbyhole in our apartment that you can look out and see the city laid out before you. Burke built it with his own hands when we first fell in love. You can whisper secrets there and they come true when the city hears them. Our Lady J has slept there. Emilie has slept there. Kim slept there when she first moved in. My Mom slept there. It has powerful dreaming magic. It was the most perfect place in the world for Kim to sing her song.
Her lyrics made tears run down my face because I understand what she’s saying. It has a message that I needed to hear on days like today. I wanted to share it with you. You might need it on some days, too.
Things will be better. We will see each other again in January and February on tour. I’ve got this really cute chihuahua cuddling next to me. I’m just having one of those moments. And it’s okay. I promised you the bones. And here they are. Laid out before you.
Depression is dumb.
You guys are awesome.
I know all of these things are true.
Now I’m going to howl at the moon and live this gorgeous life to the best of my ability today……
I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you, missing you and looking forward to seeing you again.
End of ramble.