I am road sick.
It’s like home sick, but road sick.
When I can’t sleep in my bed because it doesn’t have the hum of wheels underneath it.
When I wake up in the middle of the night wondering where I am.
A dirty wandering thing, I am.
I’m sitting on the floor now. I can’t sleep. It’s 2am and the German man next door is playing his violin. I am curled on the floor with my ear to the wall to let the music put me under its spell, my fingers touching keys….talking to you.
We are all trying to communicate.
Through song, through words, though thoughts.
Desperate in the spaces of the night.
In the lull of the moon.
It is Thursday. And I promised I’d be here. And so I am. In a tattered old slip, curled on a floor in the middle of the night. With you.
Let’s talk about the Now. Let’s talk about…
What we want.
What we crave.
What we desire.
And how to fucking get it.
I did something risky today.
I did two risky things today.
My arms got numb and my fingers typed out emails to two heroes of mine. I asked them if they would give me a personal quote for my book. I have been holding back asking – afraid they would not respond or they would think it was weird that I asked.
My fingers danced and clacked on the keyboard. I said what I wanted to – unedited. And then I asked. I hit send on both without even bothering to re-read or double check the letters. Because if I would have given it a second thought, maybe I would have deleted them all together.
I am in my raw, naked writing revolution. Those are the best things anyway. The unedited version of me.
An editor lived in my brain for too long, wringing her hands over everything I thought, worrying about judgements, about consequence, about shame.
I fired her. Purged her. Brought up the voodoo in my soul to banish her.
Howled like a wolf.
There is dirt in a suitcase
and a seed of a story that will grow in the sun of this year.
And it is wild like weeds…..
What wildly risky thing have you done that has been a success? Or what wildly risky thing do you commit to doing to make your life better or snag a dream?
I’ve got my ear up against the wall in the night.