Things I Think About Thursday: I’m a Mess

Overwhelm.

Not going to lie.  I’m feeling it.

12 days to finish building our house.  Last stretch of book proposal deadline.  A pile of backorders I’m making by hand.  A Mount Everest of Emails to respond to.

This picture is currently my desktop:

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I remember reading great advice somewhere that said more or less:

“Kill your anxiety with gratitude.”

Which is great.  Because I feel like killing right now.

I wasn’t going to post this.  But this is where I’m at.  I’m not perfect.  I’m stressed the F out and I’m a mess.  I can’t even try and pretend that I have my stuff together.

So I went upstairs and took a shower.  Because to be honest, I’ve been working building a house and no amount of Lush Karma Spray is going to make this better.

As the warm water came down and hit my skin covered in scratches from BrambleTown – I thought…. Gratitude.  Gratitude.  Gratitude.  Mmmmm.  Well.   Gratitude #1:  At least my life isn’t boring right now.   Gratitude #2:  My friends are awesome.  17 of them came up to help with the house last weekend and Nicholas “French Fry” Clark is sitting across from me as I rudely type this blog before he’s about to help me kick some ass on this house.  Gratitude #3:  You are reading this right now.  Thank you.  Writing has been a secret dream of mine for forever and there’s a billion other things you could be doing besides reading about my damn problems this morning – so again, Thank YOU.

And when I came out of the shower, Contessa was carrying her potted plants down the hallway.  She’s working on something really cool with them that she’s going to be revealing in her blog on Monday.

“Look,” she said.  “A little sprout.”

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I stopped everything for a second.  Stopped thinking.  Stopped worrying about deadlines and all the things I’m simultaneously f-ing up and looked at this tiny green sprout.

And then I sat on my bed, whipped out the black liquid liner and my false lashes and started to put on my makeup.  As I was doing that…I started to think about all that’s going on… building the house, working on this book, getting pre-production and Kickstarter ready for Revolver in June – and I thought – it’s all stuff you can’t see.  It’s underground.  It’s like that seed being stuck in the dirt, taking root, growing, getting fed and trying to push through the soil.

It’s not there yet.

It’s in the struggle.

But it hurls itself to breakthrough the soil….it’s going to be a gorgeous bloom.

I need water.

I need sunshine.

I need to grow into something wild and beautiful.

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You talk to me now…..I’m laying this out for you.  The truth.  I know that some of you out there must feel the same way right now.  Whisper to me in the comments your secret dreams that are seeds under the ground.  The ones people might not know about yet.

Plant it in the soil of the comments.