Why I Didn’t Walk In Front of a City Bus.

When the cards want to tell me a story, they tend to shout.
This is the story that has been appearing with my last four pulls:
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The Six of Pentacles is the charity card of the deck.
There are questions behind the cards.
This one asks: What can I do to make the world a better place?

I have a story for you.
Unedited.
About heartbreak and suicidal thoughts and volunteering and beating the odds.
Even though I typed it and erased it.
It wants to be told.

Greta.
She died suddenly from cancer ten years ago.
She was my animal friend.
She saw me through moving from a small town in Florida to New York City.
She stayed by my side through all of those changes – she witnessed my first step in following my dreams.
When everything else around me changed – people, places, things…
she was the one constant in my life.
And then suddenly she was gone.
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I thought about walking in front of a city bus.
It could look like an accident, I thought.
No one would know.

We had a deep connection.
She was a rescue who was an old soul when she came into my life.
We were both lost when we found each other.
She would walk by my side without a leash.
We went everywhere together.
She looked after me.
Quiet. Watchful. Comforting.
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Walking without her
was like missing part of my soul.
I couldn’t even feel
her ghost.

And I was scared of the casual way I was thinking
about city buses.

And when I’m in that dark spot
I know –
that the only way out is through.

So I dragged myself out of bed.
And put the focus on something else.
I wanted to make the world better for a moment if I could.
I volunteered at an animal shelter.
Just to be around them.
To walk beside one of her kind
in
silent
understanding.

And then.
One of them –
A black rottweiler who reminded me of the big version of Greta.
Who reminded me of her spirit…
Attacked me in the face.

Which brought me to the hospital for 8 hours of surgery.
Which brought me to the moment that I thought ‘why am I not doing the things in life I love?’
Which brought me to the second that I realized that life is too short to waste it.
Which brought me to push myself to do burlesque even though I was terrified.
Which brought me to touring all over the world with Emilie.
Which brought me to helping other people on MTV’s MADE, while having my own life be changed.
Which brought me to having the courage to do a Kickstarter that had 1% of a chance to getting funded, and meeting people all over the world who proved that the statistics against dreams are bullshit.
And somewhere along the way in all of this wild story….
It brought me to you.

My life was changed by the meeting with that rottweiler.
That moment with the Black Dog by the river.

We would have never met otherwise.
You and me.
I would have stayed scared
I would have given up the dream.

My life was changed because I was volunteering.

That was the catalyst for everything else that happened.
Volunteering gives me confidence.
It makes me feel like I can change something.
It takes away that helpless feeling
when things die,
when things are lost,
when things change.
I know if I can pick up my head long enough to DO something for someone else,
I know I have power to change a little part of someone’s world.
And that’s my anti-helpless/anti-depression/anti-stuck secret.

It’s what the cards whisper to do.
The message they want me to type out in the air
and press ‘publish’ on.


Will you accept this wild mission?

You have 20 days.

And I’ll have a fucking really big crush on you.