Annual “Eff it” Part Two

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I heralded in 2014 howling at the moon under the stars in a field of sparkling crystal snow.
My altars decorated – filled with intention and candles.
My space cleaned and organized – ready to take 2014 on in a focused storm.
My gratitude lists made, my dreams for the New Year outlined, a plan made.
…..And part of my skeleton broken.

Even though I had tried to make everything perfect headed into the first day of 2014, nature has its own ideas, and the root canal tooth split in half. Losing part of my skeleton, after I tried so hard to save it, was a bit devastating for the first day of the year.

It was only when the day turned into night, and Niney and I went out to the woods alone together on a walk….when in the quiet of a dark forest the snow fell down around us, that I felt okay. The tooth breaking wasn’t the best thing, but it wasn’t the worst thing ever. I’m going to make a necklace out of that fucker.

It is all an adventure.

And here I stood on the first day of the new year, with my best animal friend, in a peaceful forest in snow.

I choose to say yes to adventure this year.
I choose to say yes to ups and downs and to navigate them all with as much grace as I can.
And of course, I choose to say “Eff it.”
Here’s what I wrote on the first day of last year. It rings true to me and was one of my most re-posted blogs.
I love you guys. Happy New Year.

It is now almost 3 in the afternoon, and I have rolled out of my swinging bed and here I am….with you.

Happy New Year, Love. Welcome to a chance to start something new.

I woke up this afternoon and one of my first thoughts was – “I am simply not qualified to tell anyone to How To anything this morning.”

I wish I could tell you that my apartment is spotless, that I have everything in my life completely in order, and my New Year’s Resolutions are carefully outlined to the letter.

It would be lies.

My apartment is a tornado right now of suitcases, costumes, pastie tape, piles of books, strewn high heels, rumples of clothes, and red glitter (see above photo).

The blue latex dress I wore last night is flung on the couch next to the random leftover microwaved box of Annie’s Mexican food that I had last night before racing to the Tribeca Grand Hotel for a gig and then Dances of Vice to ring in the New Year and gig.

Nothing is in order. Not a single resolution has escaped my lips or entered my mind.

So what to write? How can I share with you a How To Tuesday from an honest place?

This is what I can share:
“How to Wake Up On New Year’s Day and say Fuck it.”

In the past five years, I’ve been guilty of the making-too-many-goals thing, of wanting to do everything and then succeeding on some things and failing hard on others. I have got in this goal cycle of shaming myself if I think I haven’t done enough or reached as far as I’d like to, and then feeling on top of the world when something that I’ve done has worked or gets noticed.

I wrote this – and I erased it. Then I wrote it again and I’m keeping it: I feel as if my self-esteem rises and falls in direct correlation of what I am or what I am not achieving.

That’s why this post is called “How to Wake Up On New Year’s Day and say F it.”

When I was really little and you were really little – we didn’t know what goals were. I spent my time adventuring in the woods, jumping in the lagoon to swim with my dog, riding my bike, playing “pretend” – making up elaborate lives and stories with my other little friends. The world was this big, curious, interesting thing to explore.

And then school started, and I remember really wanting to do good. I wanted to be the best student and the best person I could be. I remember stressing over tests, worrying if I would do well or not. This worry would sometimes overshadow those days of bike riding or playing with my friends.

My self-esteem was in my grades. I remember one time in particular when the teacher placed the paper in front of me with a D+ on it in red and I felt like someone punched me in the gut. I felt like my world was crashing down. She wrote “See Me” on the top and when I did, she was concerned because I normally got A’s and she wanted to know what was going on. I had disappointed her. And this made me feel even worse.

I look at this now and think…. F it. Getting a D grade for that test was just a way the school was saying – “Hey. You didn’t really get this lesson. Maybe you should look back over this and figure it out so that you can work it out better in the future.” No big deal.

But instead it made me rip the test up in a million pieces in shame and it made me not want to go back on the lesson I didn’t understand. It made me hate math.

All these years of goals and expectations I’ve put on myself is enough to weigh down the world.

Do you know what I’m talking about?

So on this New Year of 2013 – I say F the resolutions, F needing to do a billion things, F having my self esteem rise and fall with what I am doing or not doing.

That’s why I asked you yesterday in my post – not what your resolutions were, but what your secret desires were.

My desire for this New Year is that I see this world like I did when I was really small… full of adventure – whether it’s just on my street or far away. I want to not shame myself if I don’t get what I wanted to get done in a day because I wanted to spend a moment enjoying a walk with Niney, cuddling with Burke, hanging out with my friends or reading a book to adventure in my mind.

On my death bed, I’m not going to be thinking about the goals I did or didn’t achieve. I am going to be thinking about the fullness of the life I had lived.

Last night, I got into bed at 6:57am and noticed the Empire State Building sparkling for the first time ever. Surrounded by the mess of my imperfect life, I sat up in bed and watched in wonder as the lights sparkled and danced on top.

At the strike of 7am, the lights went out. I was able to put the sparkles of the Empire State Building to bed on the first day of the new year.

In another year, in another ten years, in another 30 years….I won’t remember that my room was a disaster that night, nor will I care.

I will remember ringing in the New Year surrounded by people I love, getting to sass it up in the wee hours of this new day doing a brand new number I created in a profession that I love, and watching the Empire State Building sparkle until the very last moment.

I want the freedom to live my life colored by these moments.

And I wish the same for you.

Happy New Year.

Things I Think About Thursday: When I Was An Outlaw.

Me - photo by Viva Van Story
My heart was beating out of my chest.
The mafia was involved now.
Bad decisions were being made.
My hands found themselves clutching the arms of the chair.
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The credits rolled and I blinked being thrust back into reality.
My eyes were blurry with another world, another life.
The other people that just got out of a movie were walking around like zombies.
Half in the emotional world they just watched,
half in the world of reality.
It’s been some time since a movie made me feel so involved.
I slipped into another world.
And I was emotionally invested in it.

We all watch movies to escape.
We look for ourselves in the characters.
We looks for pieces of ourselves – in fantasy, in former lives…
something we can connect to and live out through attaching ourselves
to the characters of film.

On Christmas Eve, the Big Dude and I met Giancarlo Esposito, who is the actor who plays Gus Fring on the show Breaking Bad. It’s one of the very few shows I’ve watched and have gotten emotionally connected to. If I was going to play a character in Breaking Bad, I would have wanted to be Gus or be Mike. Those were my two favorite characters in the show. I think that’s why I was so excited to meet “Gus” – his character is some extension of my personality…whether I ever act it out in reality or not, part of me at least in a fantasy realm, would be one of two of those characters.
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Think of the last movie or show that you were connected to or really enjoyed.
Which character would you have played or which character would you have wanted to be?
Answer both questions in the comments. Curious to see what you have to say.

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What I look like when I channel Ava Gardner in The Killers.

Seeing you you identify with – who made you emotionally connected is an interesting reveal….

Things I Think About Thursdays: Indie Shopping Guide!

It’s that time of year again!

Last night, I watched the city from the airplane window….a billion twinkling lights sparkling. What a welcome home celebration after a month long tour away!

This morning I woke up early, put on the Christmas music and started crafting more goodies for the grand re-opening of Danger Dame today!
I added a special Love Spell Magic Kit/Online Magic Circle Class and I’ve got the few remaining Corrupt Me Girlie Tank Tops up on a HOT SALE!

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My Corrupt Me tank over my own lace top!

This holiday season, I’ve committed to Buying Indie once again.  Some of my favorite people in the world have gorgeous stores set up and I wanted to share them with you!  Here’s some of my favorites:

1.  Twinkie Chan’s handmade Cupcake Scarves.  Can you even?  The most adorable thing in the world.

2. Cute Handmade Ornaments by BatSpats. Trim your tree with glitter, stars and skeleton keys!

3. One-Of-A-Kind Hair Ornaments by Sarah Sparkles. I’m going to be wearing mine for New Year’s Eve!

4. Holiday Sample Beauty Pack by Contessa Create. Mmmmm, delicious! I also adore her Wild Orange oil- it gives me that Summer pickup in the middle of Winter.

5. Custom Spell Bottle by LaGitana. Katelan Foisy is one of the most powerful magic makers I know and her spell bottles are gorgeous!

6. Basil Brew’s Tea by Emilie Autumn. This tea has peppermint (my favorite!) and Chinese Wild Chrysanthemum flowers in it. So delicious and the packaging is adorable. Perfect for your favorite Tea Lover!

7. Lola Star’s adorable Coney Island Love Bird Girlie T! It’s no secret that I’ve got a wild love affair with New York City, and I’m not afraid to wear it across my chest!

Now it’s your turn! Tell me your favorite Indie Shops in the comments. Do you run a shop? Let us all know! Excited to see your picks, too.

Now back to wild crafting….

Things I Think About Thursday: Dream Job in Old Town

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As we cross the country on the tour bus, the snow falls down and we pass by main streets of towns with holiday lights in trees.
We trudge through snow banks to explore some towns we’ve never been to before – and some towns that we have been to.
We seek out the local coffeehouses to get a taste for the town.
We browse the bulletin boards to see what shows are coming up, what craft festivals and poetry readings are happening, what fairs or book clubs are scheduled, they tell us a lot about the places we go to.

Last night, I found myself clutching hot chocolate, sitting on the floor of a book store inbetween the tall shelves.  I got lost in a book, and time slipped away until the doors were closing and the employees were shutting down the lights and the music.

It made me think about how much I love book stores.  I love being among the racks filled with stories and worlds.  I thought about how my home town had so many little book stores – places that I spent most of my childhood and teen years in it.  On the snowy walk back to the tour bus, I thought of a question to ask everyone – and I also wanted to share it with you.

Imagine this:  You can never leave your hometown, you can’t even go to the next town over.  You have to make a living, but you will never be able to leave that 20 mile radius of town.  You can open up a new business, you can be a radio person where your voice travels beyond the town, but you have to physically stay within town lines – what would you do?
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There were interesting answers –
Emilie would open a pastry shop and make fine baked goods,
Josh -our sound guy would be an English teacher at the town school,
Texas -our stage manager would be the town psychiatrist,
Melissa would own a health food restaurant with locally sourced foods
and I would open a magic little book store, filled with potions, candles and jewelry I make and tons of cool books.
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If you had to stay in your town for the rest of your life and never leave, not even to go one town over…. what would your dream job be in that place?

Things I Think About Thursday: A Day of Thanks

I’m sitting here with my Revolver shirt on
eating a Kit Kat from a vending machine
celebrating Thanksgiving on the ROAD!
There is snow on the ground, a certain crisp to the air and colorful holiday lights decorating my bunk in the tour bus. I’m grateful for so many things this year, including this:

In the US, it’s Thanksgiving today – and while I don’t agree with the background of the holiday – I can agree with the idea of giving thanks and gratitude. Sarah Barker sent me this:
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I love this idea and I’m going to work on my list.

What would be on yours?

You would be on mine.

Thank you so much for coming along on this wild adventure with me – through living in a van, chasing my dreams, living on a tour bus and passing out from overeating chocolate from the vending machines for Thanksgiving dinner…..
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Don’t worry…..
I’m dirtier than the floor.
I love all of you….

Things I Think About Thursday: A Wildly Inspirational Story

As we make our way across the country, the inspiring encounters with strangers, meeting new friends and all of you on the internet cheering us on with our journey has kept us going.

This dream has become more than just two people going after their dream, it’s become a lesson in human kindness and how we can all affect each other in so many ways.

I wanted to share one of the many crazy inspiring stories with you that just happened less than 48 hours ago. It’s the thing that helped this cheese-tastic video happen:

Last week, on Twitter, I asked you what your dreams are. I re-tweeted the dreams of over 220 people to the 17,000 people that are following me. You never know when people can help each other make connections and spark a dream coming true.  You guys have done so much for us, and I want to do anything I can for you.

I re-tweeted soundclouds and e-books, I re-tweeted how to vote for amazing new artists and voted for them myself. And I saw this one come in:
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Kurt has written about us before in his Real Life Husband, Rock Star Dad blog and I’ve written about him. He’s always been super cool and if he was that nervous about a presentation, obviously it meant alot to him.
I wanted to help give him the courage and support that he has always given me.

The next day, I gave Kurt a call in the afternoon, it was the first time I ever heard his voice in real life.   It was a great call,  I told him to get in there with his swagger and ROCK that presentation and to imagine everyone throwing their bras at him. He laughed saying that the presentation was to a roomful of guys – and I said that I’d be throwing my bra in spirit at him all the way from across the country.

When we got off the phone, I tweeted this:
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And then this happened – notes of encouragement from people around the world:
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Fast forward to later that night:
We’re about to get kicked out of a warm coffee shop at closing time. I was feeling a little down and exhausted. Unbeknownst to me, my cell phone is blowing up in the locked van at this time. We bundle up, grab Niney and head out for another night of driving and taking turns sleeping. The first thing I see when I get to the van is this:
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I was freaking out.

In a matter of moments, our dream jumped from 52,788 to almost 55K.


I checked my phone to figure out how this went down. My fingers were shaking as I flew through pages on my screen.

You know that presentation that Kurt was doing?

It was for us.

Tears rolled down my face when I realized this. He had kept it under wraps because he didn’t want to get our hopes up. He walked into that presentation with all the good wishes from this global family we have created together – and he KILLED IT.

He brought our dream to the Motion Picture Institute in Michigan. MPI is a hotbed of creativity in Michigan – a place where filmmakers learn how to hone their craft and tell their stories to the world. They believe in the film dream and the dreamers of that dream. And they proved it by giving Kurt a contribution to back our dream.

This is what happens when all of the dreamers help each other.

Many dreams come true.

At Carhenge in Nebraska - Thankful.

At Carhenge in Nebraska – Thankful.

Thank you to Kurt for going all out and spreading our dream to others.
Thank you MPI for believing in us – keep doing great work in teaching new generations of filmmakers.
Thank you to ALL of you who have supported us so much in our journey, gave us kind words of support, drew magic doodles of love, made videos to encourage us, posted flyers everywhere and gave us the thumbs up.

Going after our biggest dream has been one of the most exciting and terrifying rides of our life. Thank you for holding our hands and giving us high fives on the way.


All my love.

Things I Think About Thursday: The Thinning of the Veil

Today is a day where the veil between the worlds is the thinnest…. a time when wishes can be made and heard.

World, see this.  This is the magic we have to offer you……

This is the secret video that the Backers saw two weeks ago when we launched our Kickstarter.  I feel like it captures the mood of the story the best.  Both of our Dads are in this one…Burke’s Dad is the sheriff with the rifle walking out from under the train bridge and my Dad is the 3 Card Monte Street Hustler at the end.

Today was the right day to release it to all of you.
We have 15 days left and we’re almost half way there.
I believe our dream can come true with all of you standing with us.

Revolver Movie Poster Print by Artist Zelda Devon, New Reward!

Revolver Movie Poster Print by Artist Zelda Devon, New Reward!

I added a ton of new Rewards this morning –
For Halloween, I added a special Custom Magic Spell Package with me.
If you want coaching with me, like I did with Andrea on MADE – you can have it.
If you want a London Conjure Custom Package or Jar Spell Kit by famed magic maker and artist, Katelan Foisy, you have have it.
If you want an autographed print of Movie Poster, featuring the artwork of Zelda Devon, you can have it.
Amazing rewards will keep being added. Many of these are one of a kind, so come on over and check it out! 
We are off to the desert to do a major good wish spell for all of you tonight….
I hope you can feel it.

Thanks for standing at our side as we work to make our come true.