Things I Think About Thursday: Darling Co-Conspirators of Dreams

This week has been one of the best in my lifetime.

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Niney stalks the fish on our kickass Escape Campervan.

This is Week One of launching our biggest dream on Kickstarter.

I have to be honest and tell you I was terrified and barely slept days before. I would wake up grinding my teeth with this thought:

What if the only people who really cared about our dream was the two of us?

Not only have you shot that fear of mine to death, but you showed up in droves to stand beside us.
And something even more amazing started to happen:

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Iiae worded it better than I can when she said:

Because this is inspiring. I’m not talking about the film, I’m talking about the story leading up to the film. Watching this go from an idea, a mere dream-to reality, has been eye opening. As I’ve watched the numbers go from 0 to over 37k in a matter of days, I’ve realized anything IS possible if you attempt it and give it your best. Revolver the movie may be a film about a romance in exile, but Revolver the making of is a story about dreams becoming reality and people coming together.

Thinking of all of you dreamers and risk-takers today.

The world needs ALL OF YOU.

Nothing is impossible….you have already proved that.

You have impacted my life more than you’ll ever know.

Things I Think About Thursday: Here are my Bones.

If you’ve been a Danger Diary reader, you know what this means to me. Thank you for coming on this journey with me. It’s taken me a lot of courage to put my biggest dream out there and cross my fingers to hope that it takes flight – and I’m going to need every single one of you beautiful beings to help win this.
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AFTER ALL THIS TIME…less than 24 hours from this moment……it’s game on.

Tomorrow, Friday, October 18th at 9am eastern US time – our biggest dream launches.

Join us.

Here’s what you can do to rock this out with us:

1. The first day is CRUCIAL. If you can pledge tomorrow as it goes live for its first day, I would be eternally grateful. REMEMBER – the funds will NOT come out of your account tomorrow – they won’t come out until we are successful (fingers crossed!) on November 15th. If we have a bunch of Backers on tomorrow’s opening day, we might be able to get in the “Most Popular Projects” slot, which would help our project be seen by people worldwide that might not know us yet.

2. At 9am EST, as we launch there are some ONE OF A KIND REWARDS, that are first come, first serve. This dream means so much to me, I am willing to part with my beloved very first pink feather fans that I took all over the world with me, the ones you saw on MTV and on stage with Emilie Autumn from 2007-2009.
I am also parting with the black dress you see in the below photo that I wore during the car chase shoot out in the trailer. As much as I love both of them dearly, I want my film to become a reality – and will happily let them enjoy a new life with you in exchange for my dream!
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3. We have a super secret prize for ALL first day Backers. I will personally send a link with a password to a never before seen trailer for Revolver. My Dad aka The Big Dude is in it. Burke’s Dad is also in it. It gives the mood of Revolver and you get a feeling of what is to come. All first day Backers see it FIRST as a thank you.

4. If you are HARDCORE on Team Revolver – Show the WORLD with an Avatar. The fabulous Miss Michelle Benz has created these images that can be used for your avatar on Facebook or Twitter. Facebook is the number one way that people see Kickstarter projects. So if you replace your current photo with one of these – people will take notice, will check to see what it’s about and click on our dream! Pick out your avatar below!



And one last thing….my posting frenzy will start tomorrow….so the next time you read the Danger Diary, my long time dream will be live and up to the world to make it or break it. I feel so grateful for all of you, with everything you have done and all the support you have shown me….thank you for standing by my side in this dream.

Now go grab your avatar….

Tears rolling down my face because I can’t believe this is happening….
All my love,

Things I Think About Thursday: The Risk Takers

She was channeling spirits while her hands moved through the air
grasping at nothing
but eliciting wild sounds from the theremin.

Meredith Yayanos of The Parlour Trick

Meredith Yayanos of The Parlour Trick

He tapped and glided the bow down his violin
making it cry lullabies
for all of us.

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Todd Reynolds and his haunting violin.

The room of 40 people stood hypnotized and silent. It was one of those rare moments, when something captured me so intensely, held me in its palm for a moment, that nothing else mattered or seemed to exist.

I was not thinking about having to wake up early, or the things I have to do in the 8 days before we launch our Kickstarter or where I was going to find a legal parking spot or if I had lipstick on my teeth – the random things that race in my mind regularly. Those things were shushed….hushed for this moment in time when I was sitting in a red gown, surrounded by people that I have dreamed of being friends with since I was little and watching…captivated by the music.

At one point, musicians Sxip Shirey and Jason Webley joined in…ringing bells, making sounds of rolling thunder, and twisting plastic tubes to produce eerie haunted sounds.

My skin was covered in goosebumps.

And then it was done.

Courtesy of the Parlour Trick

The Parlor Trick “Spirit Photography” -Photo by Audrey Penven.

Then Kai, turned to me and said:
“That song will never happen again. It was just that one moment, born that one time, alive and captivating, and then gone, never to be created again. And we were here for it.”

I hadn’t thought about that.
Todd Reynolds and Meredith Yayanos had never played together before. It was just a spur of the moment happening. Spontaneously created and then done.

I sat there for a moment. Thinking about that that song, now just a moment in time, gone forever, that gave me chills and pushed away all other thoughts.

I thought of the players of the song.
I thought of the people around me – friends who are artists and writers and musicians and filmmakers and storytellers.
All of them have fought to be who they are, to bring their art to the world.
And the melody is their victory.
I stood silently for a moment. Inspired.

I was among the magic makers and the risk takers.

For the ghost of the song that lasted for four minutes washed over me and whispered something to me that I will carry

like a talisman.

Take wild risks.
Fight the good fight.
It is all worth it.

Now you whisper to me… what is something creative close to your heart – your gift to the world, that you would fight for? OR Tell me something that inspired you where you could think of nothing else for the moments you were experiencing it. Curious to hear your answers…..

Things I Think About Thursday: Amnesia and Coffee

“My Mom had amnesia….” he said.

Photo by Kari Patterson

Photo by Kari Patterson

I had never seen him before.

And I had no idea that a stranger, having the courage to speak up and join our conversation, would effect my entire day.

I was talking to my beautiful barista friend, Anna, when he walked in and ordered a coffee. Anna and I were talking about the hypothetical question from last week.

The conversation turned to not being able to remember family or friends. Then I mentioned an amnesia study I had read years ago, in which patients would wake up from comas with amnesia and their preferences for music, books and lifestyle would completely change.  For instance:

  • There was a guy who was in a gang since he was 12, who loved hip hop and when he emerged from his coma, he was obsessed with Beethoven’s 7th Symphony that had been playing in the hospital, and he would tell everyone that classical was his favorite form of music.   When hip hop music was played he didn’t react or pay attention to it at all.
  • There was a guy who was married to his high school sweetheart, and when he woke up in the hospital, he had no memory of her.  Over the course of months, she would come to visit him, and he realized that they seemed to have nothing in common at all.  Try as he might, he couldn’t get a connection back with her.  They were two different people.

Many people with amnesia can’t remember the past, but also can’t imagine future events either.   They tend to not be affected by or aware of other people’s influences or judgements.

Which brings up 2 questions:
Question 1: In the case of the guy in the gang, did he like rap music before just because the people he looked up to liked it, or because his friends were all listening to it and it was easily accessible?

I remember that for me, I was first introduced to punk rock when I was about 10 and my uncle was dating a woman who had a daughter who was 7 years older than me. She would cut up shirts and re-do them with safety pins and zig-zag stitches by hand, she wore purple eyeliner and her dyed black hair sprouted wildly this way and that. I looked up to her because she had an attitude that screamed – I am creating my own life. I do what I want! When she played the Sex Pistols, I decided that was my favorite band in the world. It was nothing like I had ever heard before. But looking back, did I initially love them because someone I looked up to so much was so passionate about them and it rubbed off on me? Did I originally love them because the idea of rebellion, freedom and living wildly were associated with it?

I have no idea. I’ll never know. But they are still one of my favorite bands to this day.

Photo by Emilie Autumn.

Photo by Emilie Autumn.

Think about the music you love. How did you originally fall in love with it? Yes…because of the sound. But it’s more than that. Was there a moment in your life that made you love it, a person who you looked up to, a memory that was attached to a song?

Question 2: In the case of the guy who realized he had nothing in common with his long time wife and high school sweetheart, before his accident and he had full memory, were they staying together because it was convenient and they knew each other for so long? Did they stay together because they had all of this history even though they had both grown to become very different people?

Think about the friends that you’ve had for a long time. If you had amnesia, and didn’t remember any past history with them, would you still be connected now as people? Would you meet and instantly hit it off again, or not?
The stranger in the coffee shop shared with us how his Mom had changed after waking up from a coma with amnesia.

The part of his story that got me more than anything was that his Mom just started picking up musical instruments out of nowhere.

She fell in love with creating music and suddenly taught herself to play the flute, the dulcimer and the fiddle. She had no previous knowledge of how to. One day her daughter was practicing flute, and she was drawn to take the flute into her own hands and just go for it.

Because she had suffered from amnesia and couldn’t recall moments of her life, many things were brand new, and she was drawn to things she appreciated. She no longer had that self-censorship battle, that so many of us have.

She picked up playing those instruments without worrying that she would be bad at it, or that she didn’t have time to learn, or that she was too “old” to learn, or worrying what other people would think if she was playing it, or what she was going to do if she did learn it.

She didn’t ask herself why. She just did it.

Image by Laura Kok.

Image by Laura Kok.

And as this stranger sat down and told me the story of his Mom, I got tears in my eyes. An hour passed by and our coffee cups sat in front of us empty. All of us were moved by the story he had to share.

It changed my day.

There was freedom in his story. An idea of doing what our hearts tell us to do without our minds censoring us.

He also told the story about his Dad who had woken up from major surgery and decided life was too short to waste. His Dad cut his hours at work in half and took up playing the banjo because he had always loved bluegrass music.

Today, his Mom and Dad live in South Carolina playing the banjo and the fiddle in a band together – doing what they love.

With 15 days away from our Kickstarter launch for our film, Revolver, I’ve been feeling a wild mix of emotions ranging from excited to nervous – thinking of all the outcomes, of all the things that “could be”. I walked out of the coffee shop thinking of the lesson that his story gave me – to approach things without thinking about the past, and without thinking about the future.

Just going for what I love.
Full force
and full on.

And now I’m going to go do that.

Wherever you are in the world right now, I wish you the same thing.

Things I Think About Thursday: The Games We Play On Tour

In all the places we’ve been…

Me and my London friends outside of the show.  Photo stolen from Mistress Jade.

Me and my London friends outside of the show. Photo stolen from Mistress Jade.

of the many things that were different and new
there was one thing that changed daily life:
no internet.

Our tour bus – the Haunted Snug – our rolling home on wheels – no internet.
The long plane rides from the JFK to Heathrow to St. Petersburg, then to Moscow and back again – no internet.
The overnight train from St. Petersburg to Moscow – no internet.

So we did what you do when there’s no internet.
We made up a lot of games to play.
Which may or may not have included thievery:

My badass bowling shoes

My badass new bowling shoes

So I thought this would be a fun place to share our two favorite games (that won’t land you in jail):

Game 1: What Do You Think About…..?
Captain Maggots made up this game and it gave us a lot to talk about and we learned new things from each other. It’s easy to play – in fact, Burke and I played it last night over dinner and it was hilarious. You simply say the first thing that comes to your mind and the other person tells you their true feelings about it. It could be anything. Some examples are:
“What do you think about the phrase ‘Talk To The Hand’?” – Emilie’s question to us.
“What do you think about the color red?”
“What do you think about twerking?”
“What do you think about Best Friend charms?”

Me, Cheeky Dave and Captain Maggots

Me, Cheeky Dave and Captain Maggots

I was actually surprised at some of the answers. It’s funny that you know people for years and assume that you know the answer they will give and then you discover something completely different.

You wanna play in the comments? Pick one of these 3 questions to answer:
“What do you think about Gizmo from the Gremlins movie?”
“What do you think about fortune cookies?”
“What do you think about dogs in sweaters?”

If you have a story that goes with any of those questions – share it.
It’s addictive.

Me and Chekovmyass in front of the Haunted Snug.  Photo straight up stolen from  Fimbul-vetr

Me and Chekovmyass in front of the Haunted Snug where all these games went down. Photo straight up stolen from Fimbul-vetr

Game 2: Hypothetical Questions
Josh, the sound guy was reading a book called “Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs” and in one of the chapters there was a hypothetical question that we asked each other and then we started making up our own. The original question from the book was:

“Answer this question. Let’s say you are given two options: You can either (a) sleep with the world’s most attractive person, but you can tell no one and no one will ever know, or (b) you can walk through life with that person hand-in-hand, creating the illusion to everyone alive that this individual is your lover-even though you will never so much as kiss.

Which do you pick?”

Here’s one Josh made up and I wanted to share with you:

“You are sitting at a coffee shop and you are handed a special drink. If you drink it, you are given the ability to be successful in all of your life dreams (if you’re an artist, people will go mad for your work and will want to collect everything, if you’re a musician, you will sell out massive stadiums every night, if you’re a teacher, your teachings will be spread by television and books and your lessons will help the world.) The only thing is you will lose the memory of all of your friends and family. You will walk out of the coffee shop without anyone and start over completely. You may or may not find your family and friends again – you won’t know who they are even if you do meet them again and there is no guarantee that you will get a chance to meet them again. They are completely blocked from knowing about your fame and fortune and can’t find you that way. If you do meet again, it will be a chance run-in on the street, and you won’t recognize them. You’ll have to start all over.

Do you drink?”

If you choose to answer this question in the comments – you may do so anonymously. Please don’t look at other people’s answers first…only after you posted. The answers are judgement-free. Don’t comment on other people’s answers. I will answer this question and one “What do you think about” question after 25 of you have answered in the comments.


I always choose Gizmo.

Gizmo is Ruler of the Universe. Bow Down.

Things I Think About Thursday: Back In My Lover’s Arms

Almost no one I know was born here.
We come to her in pilgrimage to find our wildness.
She is sometimes a hard and bitter lover, but she is magical.
And as I was flying towards JFK International Airport, I got tears in my eyes just seeing the landscape of her again.
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After a 8 hour night train from St. Petersburg to Moscow
After a 3 hour flight from Moscow to London
and a 7 hour flight from London To my beloved New York..
My feet found the 56 stairs
to the door of the place I’ve made my home for 13 years.
My key found the lock of the place I left over a month ago
and I dropped my bags
and collapsed on the purple carpet
full of stories of adventures
all while getting kiss attacked by a tiny 9 pound chihuahua.
And this morning, my body threw me out of bed at 6am
because it knew it was already 2 in the afternoon in Moscow…
and 11am in London.
And I had overslept.
But time means nothing.
And I curled up against sleeping Burke and Niney
while the world charged on in afternoons and late mornings.

Photo Courtesy Elizabeth Dorney

Photo Courtesy Elizabeth Dorney

The church bells down the street just chimed nine times.
My lucky number
in my lucky city.
And for some reason, with all the stacks of books near my bed,
I reached over and grabbed
The Essays of E.B. White
and flipped to “This is New York”
because it’s been awhile since I’ve read it
I wanted to share the first paragraph with you:

“On any person who desires such queer prizes, New York will bestow the gift of loneliness and the gift of privacy. It is this largess that accounts for the presence within the city’s walls of a considerable section of the population; for the residents of Manhattan are to a large extent strangers who have pulled up stakes somewhere and come to town, seeking sanctuary or fulfillment or some greater or lesser grail. The capacity to make such dubious gifts is a mysterious quality of New York. It can destroy an individual, or it can fulfill him, depending a good deal on luck. No one should come to New York to live unless he is willing to be lucky.”

I am willing to be lucky
because with the life I have chosen
I have no other choice.

Where in the world are you as you read these words?
Where is your home?
And tell me in the comments…
what is most “home” to you about the place you live?
What would you miss most if you were gone from there (besides the people)?

Curious to hear what you will answer.

Things I Think About Thursday: Dirty Rock and Roll, Dead Poets & Good Thoughts

Last night, all 7 of us, the cast and crew, curled up in the front lounge of the bus and cried over “Dead Poets’ Society”.
We have less than a week left on tour and shit gets emotional.
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Our friendship started when we were walking along cobblestone streets built five centuries before.
We were searching for the oldest inn in England.
We carried abandoned see-through umbrellas and talked about life.
She’s on this tour to get away.
To walk away from the past.
To start anew.
And in the history and the lands we walk each day,
everything is new.
She turned to me and said:
“I always know that in the end – everything will be okay, so if things aren’t going well – then that means that it just isn’t over.

Her name is Karlee and she’s our merch girl.
Karlee is a badass.
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Touring is emotional.
You can’t hide when you tour.
You are living in close quarters with 8 to 10 people, sleeping behind a curtain, and then getting in front of an open curtain every night on stage to put it all out there.
It’s a beautiful life.
And it is very raw life.

Most days are incredible, but there are days when it’s pouring rain, and the roads were full of potholes all night, and no one’s slept and the crew have got to carry heavy boxes and gear up four flights of steps, and stuff got messed up somehow and I misplaced a piece of my costume and I’m running with a flashlight to try and find it in a trunk, and everyone’s starting to get sick and we might have lice and the front lounge smells like pee because there’s something wrong with the bus bathroom.

On one of those days, two weeks ago, Karlee just walked into our dressing room, while I was standing on a towel to keep my feet from touching the very rock and roll floor. I was dripping wet and half naked and hungry and I just scrubbed my whole body with dish detergent from the club’s kitchen because I left my nice soap behind in one of many random backstage showers.

And she said: “Write your troubles in sand and your gratitude on stone.”

Then she walked out of the dressing room.

What is a quote that someone has told you that has changed your day for the better or gave you a better outlook for the moment? Share with me in the comments.